First Post.

It’s 1.11am on Monday 18th June and I’ve decided to take a small step towards recovery. 

A Forewarning: this first post (and probably many others) contains stream of consciousness writing

This blog will track my progress in journeying towards finding purpose and light in a world that hasn’t treated me badly, but that I struggle to comprehend on a daily basis. Somehow I always seem to see the negatives over the positives. Guess that’s why I’ll never get into film photography. Hah. 

This blog will serve as an archive of my stream of consciousness, in endeavours to respect and love myself, as well as the people around me more. I promise to strive towards these goals (which may change over time, varying from the next moment to the next year etc.) 
  1. Write here when I need to, with the appropriate discretion which comes with the modern age of #hashtags and #cynicism. Due to the nature of this medium (a blog), some writing will be done in code to protect people and also myself from repercussions I’d rather not deal with
  2. Write what I feel, in as much honesty as I can muster. Trying not to beat myself up over grammar mistakes is hard, but I need to accept that sometimes coherence just isn’t meant for me in that moment. I’m trying to get over some things which I may or may not elaborate on later
  3. Write for myself, not for an audience. I chose to start a blog because many previous (and ongoing) attempts at catharsis (film interviews, writing music, art collages in my head) have kind of come to a standstill. A recent conversation with a Friend of mine led me to the realisation that i tend to make the most progress in untangling the mess that is my mind during conversations typed on this phone. I’m sure it is apparent to you via my use of run-on sentences that my mind isn’t the simplest place to reside in. It’s ironic that I chose such a public medium to begin expressing some of my most deep and raw thoughts, but in a way I think I find solace in the ambiguity of not knowing if my thoughts are truly private to myself, or if they’re merely someone’s choice to pass a bit of time on the MRT or on the loo. But, I shouldn’t flatter myself. My writing is difficult to read because it IS so incoherent. There is little flow and my language boasts of arrogance inculcated through years as a Literature student and as an upper middle class Chinese girl who has seen little of the world. I know not why my register is suddenly evolved to become as pretentious as the person I know I am, but I Guess I’m just going to have to deal with it
  4. Write with conviction, in the full knowledge that, like Jon Snow, I know nothing. This is me telling myself: it’s ok to make mistakes, because this journey in writing is partially about reconciling the many, and I mean MANY, contradictions which overwhelm me on a daily basis. It sometimes feels like I have too many people in my head, and all I can stand to do is try to quell their voices one by one to prevent them from screaming me into insanity

I might regret writing and posting this tomorrow, but as of now, this is what I feel. Call it pretentious and sentimental but hey, at least I’m trying to sort my life out. It might take years or decades even but I Guess, I gotta keep trying; If not for the people I care about, for the version of myself who chose to be too afraid of heights or death to take the plunge.


Today, I’m not too sad but I am kind of nauseous. I’ve got a subway meal waiting for me that I bought from City Square Mall, that’s gone cold (just the way I like it), and in a few minutes I’m going to switch on the lights in my room to eat what was supposed to be my dinner.

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