I titled this Blog/Rant but isnt that everything on this page haha


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I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I went outside to sweep the porch and realized my brother wasn’t home and I could’ve gone out and got some blue. And then I remembered what they did to me. I knew I was being spoilt and ungrateful but hell, I’ve never allowed myself to feel any true emotion until recently. And now, still I am bound by my own learnt “civilizations”. They made me fear my own mind and hate myself and become the person I am today. Part of me is grateful that they did it to me, or else I might’ve ended up as stupid as the rest of them. Before I continue I better put a disclaimer: I know I’ve being emotional and illogical and what I say now might not reflect how I really feel in a few minutes.
Ok let’s start. At this moment, right now, I feel no love for my family. I cognitively know that I should but I don’t. My parents worked for their children, but why have children when you can’t afford it? I guess sex education was bad at the time but for god’s sake it was her choice not to abort me and my sister had a hand in it too. My sister might be making the same mistake, and oh how I wish they’d all learn.
I’m so tired of being trapped. When my brother said that night he’d be “bound by obligation” to take me to A&E if I ever felt suicidal it made me want to jump in front of a train right there and then and force him and my mom to witness me, killing myself, in spite. I wanted them to feel the unimaginable pain they feared, because that’s what they were doing to me. First it was HM, then it was W and E and now it’s J. I know I drove them away with my own neuroticism but hell, I don’t want to live anymore if I continue feeling this loveless. My friends love me, but I don’t feel it. Why can I only feel love when it comes in the form of admiration or complete submission to me? Why? Why did I have to grow up feeling like this and romanticizing broken and mentally ill characters and rebels? I don’t wish to change my life anymore. At this point getting my own apartment has no meaning to me anymore because I will always be under someone’s control or jurisdiction-legally, emotionally, physically. I will never be truly free like Lana Del Rey’s lyrics describe. Society will always have a chokehold on me and I will always hate myself and everything that made me, me. My parents made me hate the house. All I want to do is get high and throw myself off a building. I think it’s scary because I’m starting to think maybe that day on that ledge the only thing keeping me from going was the fear of jumping and surviving.
I don’t even want to die anymore. I want more than that. I want to have never existed in this shitty fucking world. I can’t see the light. It was getting dimmer and dimmer, after that brief flash of brightness after Sticky Buddy’s phone call. I’m so fucking tired of living for those tiny flashes of brightness because they aren’t worth the pain and the numbness and hollowness in me. I’m arrogant enough to say that if God is the only thing that will fill my hollowness, I’d honestly rather die. So many associations so many thoughts are running through my head now and all I want is for someone to kill me quickly and painlessly, like in the lovely bones. God, she was so lucky to not have felt the pain. And to have it happen so fast. I don’t understand why people have such an issue with suicide. Fuck, if I want to go, I should have the right to. And I do. But something is stopping me. And I used to find hope in that but now all I feel is hatred of the thing that makes me too cowardly to jump from a high place. I hate the thing that’s tethering me to this pitiful existence. I’ve seen orphans and videos of people in war and talked to some of them and everyone expects me to be grateful for this but all I feel is numbness. Maybe I feel hollow because people expect me to feel things and I just don’t, because I’ve been raised to be paranoid and second guess everything. And still, I never learn. I never have full comprehension of consequences till the worst happens. Maybe that’s why most of the people I’ve been with have left me. Something doesn’t allow me to appreciate them as much as I could.
I’m tired of feeling like shit all the time. I’m so fucking tired. The alternative isn’t feeling better. The alternative I want is to disappear as if I’d never existed at all. Fuck afterlives and heaven and consequences. Leave that to the people who care. I don’t. I’m just constantly dissatisfied with everything. I know that’s an effect of using but I can’t let go. Fuck I wanna go buy some right now but fuck ugh fuck everything I just wanna get high and die lah serious.


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