I was asked to give some answers to an interviewer's questions about Polyamory

Before I start answering these questions, I'd like to include a disclaimer that everything I'm about to tell you in no way reflects the poly community as a whole, but rather my own personal (and VERY LIMITED) experiences with it. I also think it might be helpful to watch this video on YouTube by a channel named Sexplanations before proceeding with the interview.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VKGRrOzMDg

This video's explanations of polyamory itself, as well as the vlogger's opinions are greatly in line with my own. It provides a simple and clear cut understanding of the basic essentials of non-monogamous relationships. The video, as well as the channel as a whole was, and still is instrumental to the understanding of my own emotions and thoughts in my process of experimentation and coming to terms with who I am as I grow up.

1. What does polyamory refer to in your terms?

To me, polyamory refers to the desire to hold multiple romantic relationships at the same time with different people. In other words, something like the opposite of monogamy.

2. How does polyamory differ from monogamy to you?

I've had experiences of relationships in both "categories" so here's what I felt: In monogamy, to quote one of my good friends, "you are the only special and unique person to your special unique person" and it's kind of like giving your heart to someone else. In polyamory, the concept of the "one true love of your  life" kind of dissipates and instead it's more about sharing who you are with multiple people in a romantic way, instead of giving them fragmented finite pieces of yourself. Polyamory allows me to be more free and open with myself as well as my partners. It also allows me to explore the different aspects of my own personality as I interact with a diverse group of people.

3. How did you decide to turn to polyamory? Was it out of spontaneity like you mentioned or did it take you some time to think through to join the lifestyle?

Honestly i think it stemmed from a relationship (and subsequent breakup) which triggered me to think about love in a less 2 dimensional way. I found it inexplicable that I could feel so much for someone I knew so little about, and that that feeling lasted for years, implying to me that maybe it wasn't just simple schoolgirl infatuation. I started opening myself up to more experimentation with how I felt about people and finding new ways to categorise my emotions because for some of my loved ones, calling them merely a "friend" seems borderline offensive to me in that in MY mind, our relationship is greatly trivialised by that word.

I started scouring the web for different types of relationships and found more than I was looking for, to my delight. Human relationships have always interested me, so having this avenue to experience the complexities of it firsthand started to interest me even more, especially when I read about the MoSuo people near Tibet (go check them out, it's pretty cool).

After casually dating a few people, my current Primary Partner asked me if I were attracted to him. I explained my situation, and maintained that if he wanted me to be monogamous with him, I would try. To my surprise, he said he was okay with me being poly, proving to me that despite my inhibitions, there did really exist people who were as open as I was/am. After that, I found more people who were as open (and some who weren't) along the way, and things just progressed naturally from there.

4. What are common questions people ask you after knowing that you’re polyamorous?

"Don't you/they get jealous?" ßMOST COMMON QUESTION haha

"Wait but how does that work"

"Aren't you concerned that you have less of yourself to give to each person?"

"How are you gonna get married?"

"Have you ever stolen anyone's boyfriend?"

5. Have you experienced any issues after becoming polyamorous?

OH BOY HAVE I. I'm not even super experienced in being poly but I can say that the main thing I've had to deal with, as expected, is Jealousy. Jealousy arises in my relationships when my partner or I choose to withhold speaking honestly and openly about our negative impressions of the other's relationship. In some of my casual dating relationships, I have had to let go of people who kept asking "why they weren't enough for me", and others who have tried to "change" me by convincing me that monogamy with them is better than my current lifestyle (a valiant effort indeed). I must commend them for putting the time and effort into our relationship but reiterate that these relationships ended when I saw that there was an imbalance in communication and expectations of the other person. Logistical problems (scheduling dates etc) were especially hard while we were still schooling, but this was mostly a minor problem because we always found a way to make it work.

 Another relationship ended due to the fact that my partner at the time wanted to commit to being monogamous with someone else. Thankfully that ended amicably in that we are still on amazingly good terms to this day.

The last and perhaps most painful issue is in someone I dated who may have bitten off a bit more than he could chew. At the start, he was completely okay with my habits, but as time passed and we got to know each other better, I myself was torn, as much as he was, as to whether or not I wanted to be monogamous with him, because some miscommunication on both of our parts culminated in more jealousy than we had expected. We both changed as people and unfortunately, we were headed in opposite directions as he began to understand that maybe polyamory wasn't for him. I don't think I ever really completely stop loving the people that I fall for, but the intensity my emotions may be altered with time. I understand that at my age, people are still unsure of who they are and what they want, so it's important to be comfortable in your own identity, to enter into a poly relationship.  

6. What’s your favourite thing about being polyamorous?

For me it's getting to be emotionally intimate with so many different people. Although my foremost "Language of love" (i was forced to take a survey in school) is physical touch, what appeals to me most about being poly is having the freedom and openness to pursue deeper connections with more people. Some more skeptical friends of mine have asked me why "one isn't enough", to which I usually reply that one CAN BE enough. It's more about quality than quantity, as having 10 shallow relationships in no way makes me more fulfilled than having 3 or 1 honest and intimate relationships. Every individual is unique and idiosyncratic, and experiencing the near-entirety of a brilliant personality makes me feel happy and lucky to be alive. I guess, another major difference in me is that I don't really see a limit to how many partners one can have in a relationship. For instance, most would say that having 2 parents is the "correct" way to live, but what about a situation where the divorced parents of a child find love elsewhere? Does that immediately make the child's relationship with their step parents less valid than those of their blood relatives purely because of genetics? In the same way, asking me to have one romantic partner is like asking me to only have one friend: it's entirely possible if you find the right person, but I feel more fulfilled having many different friends to chat with and rely on. At this point, I would like to reiterate that these opinions are my own personal thoughts and in no way would I judge or impose unto others what I feel is right for me. 

7. Does it clash with your religion? If so, was it a difficult decision and did your parents struggle to accept that? Nope it doesn't.

8. Are your parents conservative? How did your parents respond to you being polyamorous? (If they don't know then ignore this question)

Parents don’t know.

9. What were you like growing up?

I have been exposed to a wider variety of culture than some others my age, due to my early love affair with the internet, so I had been watching documentaries on different topics which differed greatly from the Singaporean Norm (here, I'm using my experiences in English and GP class as a gauge for what this norm is). I have been told that I was a happy child, but as my siblings are all very much older than me, and my parents both worked, I was often left alone with my grandmother to play with my toys. This isolation allowed me greater space to experiment, read and learn from books and media rather than observing the people around me. This, however, caused a slight wedge in my own identity as a Singaporean. As I grew up, I became more jaded, as I'm sure most people do when they experience puberty, but my friend circle greatly expanded through shared interests in books and TV such as Harry Potter, Doctor Who and Game of Thrones.

10. Did you have any romantic ideals growing up? How did they differ after your conversion to polyamory?

Like many girls my age, I was very conditioned into gender-normative belief systems, idealising characters from Twilight (yes, I was a Twi-hard haha), The Mortal Instruments, The Infernal Devices, and other such Young Adult Fiction series'. Before that, I had been taught that activity outside that with your ONE partner was always wrong and was always considered adultery. The key feature in many teen novels these days (I don't know if anyone noticed this) is the obsession with love triangles: Edward vs Jacob; Gale vs Peeta; Damon vs Stefan; Logan vs Scott; the list could go on forever... In a way, these books kind of promoted my choices indirectly, by making me feel so much for both love interests and making me desperate to find a way for all of them to be together. I guess in that way, polyamory is sort of my way of living out what I wanted when I was younger.

11. Is the polyamorous community big in Singapore?

To my knowledge, no. Most of my friends seem pretty taken aback when I tell them, but I did find a poly dating site of sorts which did surprise me.

https://www.polyamory.sg/

 I think most conventional Singaporeans-even or especially the older ones- don’t even realise that there exists an alternative to monogamy, simply because they may not have been as exposed to this culture.

12. What are some common misconceptions that people have about being polyamorous (in your opinion)?

One really common one is that, poly people cheat a lot. But in fact, it's the very opposite! Cheating in my definition is engaging in any sort of romantic or sexual activity behind your partners' back(s). This is greatly reduced because by entering into a poly relationship, you are effectively binding yourself to be held accountable for your own emotions by openly communicating with your partner(s) to avoid resentment. By its definition, a poly relationship has a whole set of expectations which can be seen as more flexible than a monogamous relationship. Thus, theoretically, you are less likely to do anything without partners consent if you know they're more likely to be open minded and accepting, with less harsh consequences due to clarity in expectations. I reiterate that these are not lower expectations, just different ones.

Another might be that poly people are more hedonistic than monogamous people because we choose to let ourselves indulge in these multiple relationships. Now, I don't know if this is true or not. Maybe it is! But my response to this is more one of confusion than a rebuttal in that, why is any relationship seen as an indulgence? Who determines what is an acceptable standard of living for us, and why are people concerned by diversions from this norm if it does not affect them? These are genuine questions that I would like to explore in an upcoming video series of mine that will be made available on YouTube in the coming months. I've gotten a few stereotypes thrown at me, though thankfully they're never malicious, but tend more towards being curious about my lifestyle. Poly people aren't all that different from monogamous people in many aspects. We're all human and experience empathy, jealousy, love and other emotions, but to varying degrees of control.

13. What’s something about being polyamorous you hope people will empathise with?

Mostly it's just the notion of sharing more love with more people. In a way, it's similar to having more close friends. I also think that at this time in our human history, everyone could use more love. The world needs more empathy and tolerance to become a better place, in my opinion. It's an overused cliché but I truly believe in the phrase "make love not war". Being forced to think about your partners makes you more in tune with yourself, as well as more conscious of how your actions affect others, which is almost always a good thing.

Additionally, I feel that it's important to talk about these deviations from the norm and have discussions about the ethics of it all, in the hopes of building a more socially tolerant society in a time where the world has the potential to hold so much hate. It's important to remember that polyamory is for independent adults who are capable of consent. Anything but, should not be associated with polyamory.

14. How do you look for polyamorous partners?

The same way I look for monogamous partners! School/work, mutual friends, dating apps, social media etc. I'm not that particular. I also rarely ever get to know someone with the express purpose of wanting to date them. It's a lot easier to get to know other people as PEOPLE and not potential love interests/partners. I feel like i may be slightly more empathetic than some so it might be easier for me to connect with diverse groups of people, thus making it easier for me to understand their situations and see their struggles. Through this, I sometimes encounter people I feel romantically attracted to, so it's nothing like the Predator-Prey relationships that some conventional Singaporeans like to imagine of any relationship that falls out of the norm, be they in relation to gender identity, sexual orientation or otherwise. I've almost always been quite flirty (even to my friends) and since I decided to open up about being poly, I kind of leave it up to the other person to make the first move. I think whoever finds me attractive should know what kind of relationship they're getting themselves into. I'd hate for anyone to enter a relationship blindly. Contrary to popular belief, I don't think relationships are purely emotional. They take effort, logic, compromise and most importantly communication. If someone opens up to me about being attracted to me, and I too am attracted to them, first and foremost I clarify my own ground rules, and if all goes well, I tell my other partners to make sure everyone is on the same page, and accepts the situation as it changes. 

Last words:

Communication and consent are (from my understanding) the building blocks of any relationship, and trust comes with it as well. I hope people empathise with this aspect of it, if not anything else, especially considering the prevalence of recent cases of breaches of consent which have been covered online. As for the age of consent, I myself am still confused about this concept and have much to learn, young as I am. I think Singapore is doing a good job in this legal aspect (from my knowledge, anyway). But socially, it's also important to understand maturity in a more open and flexible way. This, again, will hopefully be covered in my video series. I feel that we as a society also have room to grow, with regards to our views on love, sex, gender, etc and maybe I'm completely wrong and I'll regret this in a year but the point is, I won't know until I try. I'm still figuring things out myself, and might be a very different person in a year, let alone five or ten. I hope people, like the video I recommended suggests, stay curious!

to the interviewer: i hope this interview helped. if you're going to publish it, please send me a copy of the edited version so that i can ensure that none of my information has been altered too much (sorry but I'm quite particular about this) so would appreciate if you could do thatJ also if you want more info about my upcoming video series, you can ask for the link if you'd like it!